The Butterfly Effect

What does the word consistent make you think of? Take a moment. Close your eyes and just allow your mind to bring up associations or thoughts that the word consistent brings to the forefront.

Predictable--that's a word that comes to mind when I think of consistent. Like the sun showing up in the eastern sky every morning, and making its trek across that big blue expanse, to its final destination--as seen from this point on the earth I reside--there in the west. It shines with consistency.

Able to be trusted--I trust that if I am holding an object in my hand, that when I release "said object" it will fall toward the earth--gravity. It's predictable. It's constant and I know that it doesn't fluctuate or it's nature change.

Continuity--as in functioning without change. Like the rotation of the earth and the revolution around the sun. It is fixed and unchanging on it's course.

All of the aforementioned are a constant of the life we witness on a daily basis. They are steady, unchanging in their nature--CONSISTENT.

What I find interesting, with the stability and consistency witnessed by these major factors to life as we know it, there are other less predictable, inconsistent factors that are clearly at play. So, though there seems to be an equation of order, a law in place if you will--there is also something else at work in the equation that is less predictable. In mathemetics, this is known as chaos theory. Chaos theory studies complex systems that are highly sensitive to initial conditions, meaning that even small changes in the starting conditions can lead to drastically different outcomes. So, in the given example, the equation of order represents the predictable behavior of the system based on the known laws or equations. However, there is also an element of chaos or unpredictability at work, where small variations or disturbances in the system can lead to significantly different results. This highlights the idea that even though there may be an apparent order or law in place, there can still be underlying factors or influences that make the outcome less predictable. One of the most famous examples of chaos theory--and a favorite of mine-- is the butterfly effect, which states that the flap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil could potentially set off a chain of events that leads to a tornado in Texas.

How can something so small, so seemingly insignificant, by just performing it's daily activities--the thing it's made by very nature to do--cause such a significant impact so far away? It really is a fascinating thought, even if only based on theory.

Nature as we know it has no mind, it is subject to the constants and variables that compose it. The thing about composition-- when presence of mind is not involved--is that, if chaos theory is indeed at play--there is no ability to counteract those things that might otherwise be a destructive force. In other words, nature itself has no ability to recalculate the variable of the butterfly's wing flap in order to counteract that trigger and therefore, the chain reactions that will ensue from that small action will result in a catastrophic end result.

In Roman 7: 7-25 Paul talks about a similar situation in the nature of man. I think really when the flesh is talked about, a better word for flesh might be either false ego, or unconscious identity.

Let's take a look at what ego is first. Think of consciousness as the awareness and perception of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the present moment. It is the part of our mind that we are actively aware of and can control. I like to think of it as sitting in a room or space and actively taking in all the stimuli and truly LIVING in that moment. On the other hand, the unconscious refers to the part of our mind that operates outside of our conscious awareness. It includes thoughts, memories, and desires that are hidden from our conscious mind but still influence our behavior and emotions--sounds quite intrusive, especially to be so "unconscious", ha. Sometimes I feel as though my unconscious were a persona all of it's own sharing it's intrusive thinking with me when unprompted. The ego, in this context, can be seen as the conscious part of our mind that helps us navigate and make sense of the world around us, while the unconscious holds deeper, hidden aspects of our psyche.

False ego refers to a distorted or inflated sense of self-importance or identity. It is when someone creates a false image or persona to present to others, often driven by a desire for validation or to mask insecurities. False ego can lead to a disconnect between one's true self and the image they project to the world.

I know false ego all too well. I think creating a false ego began around 6th grade. It was either a coping mechanism or a way to help mitigate the new challenges that came with boys and girls starting to like each other and everyone going from a collective of "humans" to two separate groups--"boy" and "girl". The feeling or the societal pressure or influence to be "chosen and loved" by the opposite sex became a part of my identity, I began to identify as "someone else's half"--a distortion of my identity-- therefore, I needed to find the other half of me. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, I recognize that and am fully aware of it now. However, at the time and for a very long time, I did not have that awareness. To most that were to watch me from an outside point of view, I'm certain that I would've been labeled "boy crazy". The reality is, I just wanted to find the part of me I was believing was missing. A pattern I now know is likely common to women due to the world/environment that we are in.

Unfortunately, around this same time is when my face decided it was going to go "Texas Tea" on me and bubble up crude oil, my face rivaling the oil well of Jed Clampett. Of course the anxiety created by the environment in middle school and high school years led to acne, and picking at it a habit I picked up as a form of release of my anxiety, a sort of nervous tick. This affected my self-esteem in horrible ways. I felt unworthy, lacking real value, but I would cover that up with my makeup and build up my false self in order to present myself to those in my environment daily. Trying my best to conform to patterns of those that might be labeled as "liked" or "popular". I know that is all vanity. I looked up the definition of vanity. Vanity is a noun that refers to excessive pride or admiration of one's own appearance or achievements. It can also refer to the quality of being worthless or futile. I can say that from time to time my false ego would manage to feel prideful or admiring of some of the things I accomplished, but that was all a house of cards, because the reality is that the true me, the one that really didn't believe in herself, or recognize the value in letting herself be seen--imperfections and all, I was killing her. I was killing the inner most parts of myself and cultivating and growing a path for this new persona. Essentially I was living two narratives. The one within (my inner man) and the one without (the outer man shown to others).

A lot has changed since then, I won't go into all the details because that's basically 20 years of stories and I don't even know if I could summarize that into a 20 page essay, much less a blog that would be worth reading to the end. Let's just say, I had a wake up call, or maybe several different wake up calls through the years. The last of which was over a year ago when I read back through volumes of handwritten diaries that I had kept from the 5th grade up through college. After reading and reflecting over the girl I read about in those black and white pages, and the woman I was at the time, I recognized that a lot of the patterns of behavior were unchanged. I was still so unsure of myself, of my purpose, of my identity looking externally for validation

I think the acceptance of these truths, the awareness, the presence of mind I have found and the opposite nature that I have witnessed at work within myself over the period of my life up to this state, validates much of what I read in Romans 7 and 8, as if the Bible needs validation, HA! I think Jesus walked out on this earth a fully present mind, aware of what His narrative was to be, knowing His purpose fully. I think that He was the first man or "Son of Man" as the bible states that walked his life fully awake and fully mindful of the effects of his decisions, his actions, and He fully understood The Way as it's called. He came to bring mindfulness to nature. So that if nature could understand the trigger of the butterfly wings, and calculate the chain of reactions that would occur, it might counteract those events with new data, new inputs to keep catastrophe from happening.

1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you a free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, b God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. c And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

So, what am I doing in my life to bring about mindfulness to my nature--to counteract catastrophe? Well, let's just say I'm planting mustard seeds. I'm using tiny little things--like butterfly wings--in the hopes that it will make great impacts down the line. Rather than keeping in patterns of behavior that I knew for so many years--escapism, acting out of emotion, inaction or "freezing" as I have felt myself do in the past when action clearly needed taking--I am attempting to learn my triggers, those little events that set a chain of events into motion that create the big "natural disasters". As I learn the triggers, I can rework the equation to keep the chain reaction from happening--I just have to be aware. This requires constant dialogue with something greater than "me". That is what I call the Holy Spirit. He is the best gardener I have ever known and if I can just keep myself from falling asleep again, perhaps I will draw nearer to His presence daily. My other half. The one I needed all along.

#growth #consistency #consistent #vulnerable #letitout #reflection #ego #falsoego #butterflyeffect #selfimprovement #mystory #selfawareness #mindfulness