I'm Just Being Honest

It's been two months since I uploaded photos to my 1st Phorm app. I think taking photos of myself semi-regularly has been helpful. I don't always want to get in front of the camera, though. I think sometimes, it's just hard to look at myself from an outside point of view. Today, it was time though. I felt, when I compared my photo from 2 months ago, I wasn't going to see a major change, as I would like.

For the last month I have been "intuitive eating". Essentially, I had gotten so good at "eyeing" the proper amounts of protein, carbs and fats on my plate when weighing, I could tell you the weight of my food within a few grams. So, to give myself a little break and a reset, I decided for a month, I was just going to allow myself to do the intuitive "measuring" and eating. Still trying to keep to my 6 meals a day, with similar macronutrient intakes.

I would say for a solid 2 weeks, things went quite well. I wasn't gaining or losing any weight. Just steady as she goes. However, I think, getting away from

a standard (using my scale),in me, fosters abuse of that freedom . I tend to let myself get lax, add a little more of the wrong things to my plate and a little less of the things that propel me closer to my goals. It's just my nature. I recognize it. I don't deny, that if left to my own devices, you would likely find me passed out on my couch, potato chip crumbs on my shirt, and a cake pan, littered with chocolate, cake-y crumbles sitting nearby. Being able to face the truth about myself in this way though, helps to give me power over it. If I can recognize my weakness, I can counter it by strengthening myself in a way that opposes it--in this case food tracking. At least, that has been beneficial to me.

I used to have an aversion to food tracking. I don't really know the root of it. It could have been not wanting to add another step to my means of survival-- come on! I already have to cook the food, you mean now I have to weigh it too?!? Or, perhaps, I knew that food tracking would reveal to me in an undeniable way, that I had been overeating what was necessary to maintain my body in a healthy way. Being honest with myself isn't easy.

I think setting goals for myself is productive. I simply set a standard for myself, then, do all I can to direct myself in a way that leads toward hitting that mark--even if it involves food tracking. Besides, now that I see what a great tool it is, and how it can help keep my system regulated, I do appreciate it much more. My last goal, was simply to gain lean muscle mass as I bulk. I feel like I definitely have gained around 3-4 pounds of lean muscle. Of course, there is always going to be a bit of fat that comes along with that. But, today, I will change course a bit. It's time to set a target to lose fat mass, while maintaining all of the lean muscle I have gained over the course of the last several months.

I know that it's not going to be easy setting out. I have been used to eating a fair amount of carbohydrates for the last several months. At first that was very difficult because I felt over-full 95% of the time. However, cutting out these carbs, I will just simply add more veggies and fruits to my diet, and that will be what I use to keep myself full.

One thing I love about "cutting", is that my energy levels always seem to be higher. I think all of the added nutrients that I get when I have to add all the veggies/fruits to my diet really do make all the world of difference. I love that I can feel that difference. I feel much more in tune with my body cycling in and out of these eating patterns.

I think a large majority of my adult life has been spent in a mixture of a survival and sensational eating pattern. What I mean by that is, I needed mostly convenience and also,

I wanted the sensations of all the fatty flavors, with the sweet, with the salty.... gimme gimme gimme. I can be a little greedy, even with my foods--or so I've come to recognize.

Self-control is an interesting thing. I seem to find it, then I lose it, then I seek to find it again.

That's kind of where I am now, as I seek to leave the intuitive eating behind and go back to my scale--it's time to find it. I need to have a standard. I need to hold myself to that standard. I need to seek that self-control in my life.

I did appreciate my break from it. I think it was good for me. It was good to exercise my freedom. It was good to see if I could maintain self-control without something to measure against.

What I learned, I tend to trend away from the right proportion of things. I tell myself little lies,"Oh, just a few more mini-potatoes will be fine." "A small piece of cake won't hurt..." etc. Then, before I know it, overeating calories has become my behavior--a behavior that leads to metabolic disorder, as my body tries to maintain homeostasis with these extra calories, taking and converting them to fats for storage. My body has to find a way to sustain those--supplying blood and oxygen to, now, stored fats.

For me, I need to have those checks and balances. I also, appreciate the freedom of a break, away. A testing of my will and my freedom. I think balance is the key to longevity. Rigid restrictions can create resentment, anger even. I have to wax and wane, I have to tighten and loosen in my eating patterns.

I also need the pictures of myself to compare against myself to see if I'm changing. To see if I'm holding myself accountable to the goals I set. This is just what works for me.